I spent last weekend in Tallahassee Florida, laying my wife's wonderful mother to rest. Funerals are always sad, but hundreds of people turned out, the Mayor spoke, there was an ROTC honor guard, a police escort, and media coverage from CNN to the BBC. Wow. I was reminded one more time how a single person's life can touch so many.

 

Remember that your day will come too. And you can either fear that moment, be vacantly resigned to it, or actually use that inevitability to drive you.

 

1) What do you want people to remember about you? Say about you at your funeral?

2) What of your dreams remain unfinished? From the perspective of your death bed, what would be a life well lived?

3) Considering that you must die at the end of life, no material accomplishments are unreasonable to strive toward. What have you never dared to ask for?

4) On her deathbed, Mom said (as so many do): "I thought I'd have more time." If you only had one more year of life, what would you spend it doing?

5) What is the greatest change you wish to make in the world?

6) What can you do TODAY that you've been putting off?

###

 

 

Wow! Just launched a new product yesterday, the beginning of something very different. I'm not going to talk about this much right here and now, because this list is "family friendly." But the new project has to do with the most controversial chapter of "Think And Grow Rich"--"The Mystery of Sex Transmutation." I've brought in a dear friend, sexual surrogate and sex energy master Mukee Okan, and we're doing something ONLY for adults interested in

1) Better Sex and

2) More money.

 

Seriously...I'm not talking about it on this list, so if you're interested just go to www.sexandprosperity.com and sign up. Of course it's free!

2-14-12

O.K. Yesterday we were looking at fears from a successful guy who wants to publish a novel, and is worried about that "10,000 hour" barrier to mastery. Some more points:

 

1) You have to be "in the zone" to access your highest skills. Keeping one eye on where you're going, rather than where you are, automatically takes you out of flow. Your attention should be on setting up a daily process, what I call a "machine", that will take you to your level of excellence. Then, merely be certain your "machine" runs perfectly every day, and you will be doing everything it is possible to do to max out your skills.

 

2) Here is a general example of what I call a "machine" in the arena of writing:

a) Write 1000 words a day.

b) Read 10,000 words a day.

c) Write a story a week, or every other week.

d) Finish what you write

e) Put it in the mail (submit it for publication)

f) Keep it in the mail. When it comes back, send it right back out. Keep records.

 

In my own life, I set a goal of 100 stories finished and circulating. I promised myself I would not doubt my ability to publish until I had all 100. I made it to about 22 before I started selling, and stopped counting.

###

The above program can easily be designed to require about an hour a day. 30 minutes of reading, thirty minutes of writing. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I create rough draft, Tuesday,

 2-13-12

 

I've been asked to respond to a thoughtful blog post on the "Write on the River" site. They're flying me to Washington in May to lecture on writing suspense and SF, and I guess they wanted a little preview of whatever I'll be offering.

 

The blog post was, specifically, a newbie writer thinking about all of the obstacles to "making it", given that it requires, on average, 10,000 hours of practice to become expert in anything. By "Steve's" reckoning, that would place him in his 70's or even 80's.

 

http://writeontheriver.org/my-own-story/the-learning-curve-i

 

 

Let's explore his assumptions (which are excellent, but not written in stone.)

The first is that it requires 10,000 hours of practice to gain mastery in a given subject. This is true, and I love the quantification. Cuts through the B.S. Not willing to put in that kind of time? Get out of the way and leave room for those of us who are.

 

But, that said...if you're willing, it is possible to slice thousands of hours off that average. In fact, your intent should be to NOT BE AVERAGE. Right? The term "average" has nothing to do with individuals. You might never make it. Or, you might hit it "out of the park" your first time at back. It takes the average person four years to earn a black belt in the average martial art. Took me seventeen years. But then, the average person earns a heck of a lot less than I do...so life evens out.

 

 

Let's look at things Steve can do to speed up his process, relate these things to writing (generally) , my current screenplay project (specifically) and then life excellence across the board.

 

1) He wants to write a novel, but has never published. WRONG. Start with short stories. The learning curve is HUGELY faster with short stories, and you still learn everything you need to write books. I've heard every excuse, believe me. If you're already working on a book, then split your time 50-50% between the two forms. Part of the psychology here can be applied to any other task. When confronted by a vast task, break it down into smaller precursive tasks that can be finished in a week, or better still, a single day.

 

2) Look for skills you already possess, and transfer them to the new area. Write about what you know rather than immersing yourself in new research. Do you have discipline? Time management skills? Insight into human psychology? Do people say you're funny? Sexy? Have you watched a parent die? Raised a child? Created a business? Learned to ride a bicycle? Can you enter "flow" state easily? Whatever your current life, if you can find the arenas in which you already have talent, you can "cluster" them to increase your association and excitement, and hence your focus. You'll be thinking about your project all the time. And that cuts hours off your total. In my screen project I'm combining my love of martial arts, 60's-70's era Los Angeles, personal development, human adulthood, and tribalism into a cocktail that is keeping me up nights!

 

3) Model the behaviors of experts. Find at least three people who are good at your chosen discipline. Use the Neuro-Linguistic Programming approach of examining their

a) belief systems (what to they feel about the subject?)

b) mental syntax (how and in what order do they think about the subject?)

c) use of physiology (what physical actions do they take connected with the subject? Note posture, muscle tension, facial expressions and breathing patterns).

 

4) Concentrate on the process rather than the product. If you want to beat the 10k threshold, stop watching the clock. Stop caring whether or not you get there. Concentrate on "the thing itself"--the day to day process of writing. Or performing any other skill. Your focus has to be on THIS MOMENT of your writing, not some future goal. The reward must be the total immersion in the flow of work, not on what someone else might think of what you have done.

I have to work a little every single day on my script, and not look at the end product--who might see it, buy it, whatever. I must get my satisfaction NOW, not later. Tomorrow is promised to no one. It must be fun, and satisfying, and uplifting, and intense TODAY.

"Act NOW. There is never any time but NOW. And there never WILL be any time but NOW...you cannot act where you are not. YOu cannot act where you have been. And you cannot act where you are going to be. Do not worry about whether yesterday's work was well done. Do not worry about whether tomorrow's work will be excellent or foul. Take care of NOW, this moment, this single day...and the rest will come to you.

 

 

Steve

2-9-12

Thank you for all of the beautiful words of support. I am isolated here in Atlanta. But in another sense, I speak with thousands of my dearest friends, around the world, every day. And it makes all the difference in the world.

 

Back to the work. Work, when embraced by the heart, is salvation.

##

My work is writing. My bliss is teaching. Sometimes, they align, and that is when magic happens. I have a wonderful opportunity with this script, based on my early experiences in the martial arts, and the best man I've ever known. What a blessing it would be to me, my family, and the community of warriors who taught me to be a man, if I could bring this story to the screen. For every reason--career, family, and gratitude to those who healed my heart, I have to bring every skill I have to this task. To write it with all my heart. If it succeeds...great. If I do my best, but it never makes it to the screen...at least I did my very best. Which, in the final analysis, is all any of us can ever do.

Where to start? Well, I have to combine the lessons in the LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG program to find a way to write that melds with my life. And I have to remember the teaching of Joseph Campbell's HERO'S JOURNEY, or my own 101 PROGRAM, to get back in touch with that delicate balance we must maintain to not "merely" survive...but to grow and evolve.

In other words, I must begin in the same place where my characters must begin. There are the tasks that take us through life: dressing, eating, working, etc. That is the external--what others see. But to empower those actions, we must find a way to give meaning to each and every one of them. To have each of them be an expression of the core questions in life: who am I? What is true?

What is the theme of my work?

There is a wonderful moment in the movie "Rocky" where Rocky realizes that he cannot beat the world champion, Apollo Creed. That film rises above the level of a "sports" movie to being existential, and classic, with the following realization:

He can change the definition of success. It doesn't have to be beating the unbeatable man. It can be "merely" staying on his feet for fifteen rounds, something no one else has ever done with the champ.

At that moment, changing the locus of attention from the outer world ("winning" in the mind of the judges) to the inner world (surviving with honor) Rocky becomes not a fighter, but something more...a symbol for what we all feel. We cannot "win" every battle. In fact, we are destined to "lose" the greatest one we will ever face--if "winning" or "Losing" is defined by medals and trophies and public acclaim.

But in the end, if we have lived up to our own principles, if we have fulfilled our own dreams...we are winners, no matter what anyone else thinks. If the entire world cheers for the other man, but one person, one worthy heart, has opened to us--as Adrian's did to Rocky--then we have won the only victory worth a damn. We have won our lives, our greatest victory, by giving away our egos.

Let the world think what it will. We know. Deep inside, we always know.

##

I have to find a moral core that connects every action, every line of dialog. Just as we must all find a spiritual core to connect the pitifully short stream of days that make up this dream called life.

Find that, and no matter what others may think or do...

I win.

Steve
##

Parents, please be careful with your children. They only get one childhood, and damage that occurs therein lasts a lifetime. I recently spoke with a client who has had a confused personal history: broken relationships, distorted body image, an inability to meditate, career chaos that is confusing (given her brilliance), an oddly infantalized parental relationship, and other things that have troubled me for some time.

And just recently, during an intense session, several things clicked into place: she was prematurely sexual (horrifically young), was never able to tell her mother about it, and the guilt and shame, the resentment at not being protected in combination with a fear that, were the truth known it would deny maternal love, has lead to a lifetime of pain, lies, and finally last week the admission: "I hate myself."

Oh, God. Where to begin? If you don't start with love for yourself, you will spend your entire existence trying to get that love from outside yourself. If you must lie to others to protect some "dirty" secret, you lose the capacity to know what is true, and what is false. The map you navigate is distorted by your need to justify, and you swing from grandiose feelings of entitlement to deep and horrific despair.

I suspect that many of the religious organizations that offer healing change the names of their adherents to create a new identity--that it is possible to do such damage to ourselves that there is almost no way to heal it while clinging to the old. I don't know. I know that damage that takes place on the sexual level is secondary ONLY to damage that involves mortality itself. The scars go so insanely deep. Fifteen years ago I dealt with an incident that involved sexual and emotional issues in my own life. The incident lasted only a couple of months, but it took almost a year of meditation to shovel out the shit in my mental basement.  Someone who is damaged in childhood, who doesn’t become fully aware of it until adulthood might have DECADES of emotional filth to wade through to get to purity.   Few have the patience to shovel for so long.  Most wall the damage off (explaining a lot of emotion-based obesity) and pretend it isn’t there.  Stay in denial, until the pain and poison builds to the point that their bodies break down, almost as if they’re playing a game: “can I avoid dealing with this altogether? Can I arrange to die physically before I have to deal with the fact that I am a twisted, evil thing?”

Of course they are not, and never were, twisted evil things. They were beautiful children who should have been protected and guided and told every day that they were as precious as the stars.   No one should have to spend a life shoveling shit out of their emotional basements, or denying they live atop a cesspool, until they die from the vermin crawling up to bite them.  And their dreams.  And their children.

Parents, shelter your children. And remember always that your most important child sleeps still within your own heart.  And needs, more than roses need rain, to know that you love her. Or him.   No matter what.

It’s never too late to have a sheltered childhood.
##

Wow. I have to adjust my plans. I said last week that MIT had asked me to write a short story for their anthology. A high honor, and one I fully intended to explore and enjoy. I was all set to plunge into it this week...

 

But then, on Friday I got an IM from one of my favorite producer/directors, currently producing a major film from one of the best and most successful directors in the world. I had submitted a 10-page outline for a film based on my early martial arts experiences with one of the finest men--and martial artists--I've ever known--Sabir Muhammad, AKA "Steve Sanders."

 And this producer-director, whom I've worked with in the past, said he wants my movie to be his next project.

 Whoa.

 That...changes a huge amount. I have to back up, look at everything I'm doing, and re-focus my energy: I have a script to write.

 While I won't discuss the particulars of the script too closely, it behooves me to document this entire process, in case the miracle happens and it makes its way all the way through the development and production process to release. If that happens, I want you, my fans, friends, and students, to have a trail of bread crumbs to show you how to accomplish a similar massive success.

 Because...let me tell you, selling a script to Hollywood when you live in Atlanta is HUGE. So I'm going to take the pieces of this and break it down for you, day by day, and also extract the lessons for you to apply to yourself, whether you are a writer, or a student of Think And Grow Rich, or a Diamond Hour fan.

 ##

 1) While living in Atlanta due to family emergency, I work every day to maintain emotional balance and optimism. It HURTS being out here, at times. So far away from everything I know and love. But here I am. I will never get this time back, so I have to find a way to enjoy it, and make it valuable.

 2) So I dug into my101 PROGRAM, reminding myself of the forty years of study that went into creating the successes in my life. I became newly aware that I have to differentiate between the REAL damage to my life, and the ego damage. My ego shell definitely "cracked"--this situation (my wife had a desperate need to be near her mother, who is terminally afflicted with cancer) has no resemblance to the life I envisioned for myself. I'm a California guy. I'm not a Southern boy, in any way, shape or form. This is not my home. And yet...I love my wife, and my family, and her choice was, while painful, not dishonorable. I have a 100% commitment to be my son's father, and only a slightly lower commitment to be Tananarive's husband. That clarity of purpose closes doors. This is my life. The ego pain is irrelevant. I chose this path. That being the case...what are my choices.

 3) I also dug into the LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG to remind myself of what I've learned about writing in the 30+ years of my career. And it didn't fail me. Never has.

 I realized that I can't write for television from outside California (despite the mythology of telecommuting, people who can successfully write from a distance are as rare as comets). But, after much analysis of options...I realized that I could indeed write scripts, and assuming that I have representation, my chances of selling them aren't THAT much diminished by being 2000 miles away.

 

 Armed with those understandings, I began to plot and plan...

 

 More soon!

 

###

Your success will be determined by clarity of purpose, energy, attitude, self-knowledge and appropriate strategy. The 101 PROGRAM is the very best way to create a balanced, dynamic life!

###

Writers: make this the best year ever! Order your copy of the LIFEWRITING YEAR-LONG http://bit.ly/c7oG9c

Or the ULTIMATE WRITER'S BUNDLE

FEBRUARY 3, 2012

 

 

 

Every Day A Victory

 

Everything that I'm talking about has to do with becoming an awake, aware adult human being. That's it. Learning to raise and control your energy (the Chakras), gaining a sense of the "arc" of human life (the Hero's Journey), learning to produce health and wealth to "ground" your life (Maslow's Hierarchy), creating human bonds (the Soulmate Process)...all of these things are simply to examine the same phenomenon of growth, from a hundred different directions.

 

While my ultimate intent is to guide people to that "autonomous awakened adult" position, it is critical to nurture the roots of the tree if you would enjoy the fruit. That means TAKE CARE OF YOUR BASICS.

 

Body, mind, relationship, and finances. Put 20% of your attention in three of them, and 30% in the weakest arena. Hold back 10% of your attention for "putting out fires", rotating between areas to see what needs the most help.

 

But that 30%...how should you nurture it? Well...remember the Five Minute Miracle, the basis of all of this? Taking 5 sixty-second "breathing breaks" during every day, one every three hours? Well here are three suggestions:

 

1) While breathing slowly and deeply, assume a sense of purpose and power.

2) Visualize your long-term goal. What the healing of your weakest area will bring to you. See and feel the joy and satisfaction of ultimate accomplishment.

3) Visualize your current DAILY goal. What is it that you must accomplish today, as a stepping stone to your ultimate goal? See yourself CRUSHING it. Accomplishing it with style and grace, passion and purpose. Feel how today's action is a glorious step toward that ultimate goal.

 

Be sure that your daily goals are scaled down small enough that you can actually accomplish them. NEVER go to bed without having taken at least one step toward your ultimate goal. Never. Ever.

 

Make every day a victory.

 

Steve

##

Have trouble visualizing? Many do. I'm happy to recommend Christopher Westra's gentle, powerful "I Create Reality" visualization course. You can and should learn more about this essential technology here:

 

http://ow.ly/8QXbD

 

FEBRUARY 2, 2012

 

It has just been announced that DC Comics is planning a prequel to "The Watchmen", for my money the finest comic books ever written, a 12-part series that opened my eyes about the potential of the medium. There has been an outcry against the company from those who believe that the original artist's wishes are being disrespected. My sense is that Alan Moore sold the rights to the characters, it has been an entire generation (twenty-five years) since he wrote the original work, and that hey, I'd really like to see more adventures of these characters.

 

On my Facebook page, a controversy flared about the separation of business and art, some saying that a person can't be both an artist and a businessperson. I've simply known too many people--personally or historically, who have juggled both to believe that in the slightest.

 

An imprecise but useful analogy would be to compare the two states to the "child" and "adult" selves. The child is in touch with her feelings, knows what she wants, often feels like the center of the universe (balanced with moments when she feels totally powerless and meaningless.) That child has all food and shelter provided, and has never made a connection between action and results, or understood the nature and purpose of money. The adult self is more calculating, has had to make hard and painful decisions, often has cut off emotional flow in exchange for producing indirect results. The child does because it feels good in the moment, the adult "does" because of future benefits, or in reaction to past experience.

 

The child, alone, cannot survive. The adult, alone, is pretty much a zombie, moving through a grey existence without the "juice" of life. In truth, these two polarities overlap, but I hope you see the point that the two must cooperated to create a rounded human being.

 

Many artists live in that first category--they care about their feelings, their work, their writing or dancing or painting, and pretend not to care about money. Nonetheless, they rail against the immoral and barbaric editors/agents/publishing industry/etc.

 

The joke, which few of them ever get, is that if they start their own publishing firms or film companies, if they hire other artists, in time those artists will have the same complaints about them that they originally had about others.

 

The reverse, of course, is that the editors, agents, publishers and so forth who complain about "childish" artists and actors, if they themselves produce personal expression, will transform into the same self-centered emotional beings if they aren't very careful indeed.

 

I suspect that this war between polarities explains much of the dissatisfaction with politicians, bosses, spouses, genders, and much else--we are assuming corruption or dysfunction when what we really have is a lack of understanding of the roles each side is playing in the matter.

 

We must be both artists and businesspeople. To balance between them is the only way to both find deep self-expression AND control the rewards we receive from our labor. If we cannot connect with the artist, we must hire artists to entertain us. If we cannot connect with the business-person, we must hire, or be in the employ, of those who WILL assume that position. That works fine. But if we aren't aware of the "war" between male and female, child and adult, artist and businessman, politician and citizenry, it becomes easy to mistake the role for the individual, and forget that we ourselves agreed to participate in the dance.

 

Only one who grasps that dichotomy can step back and determine when an opposite number is actually corrupt, or merely fulfilling their role in the drama.

 

Balance, again, is key.

##

www.realherosjourney.com/TAGR

 

 

So yesterday I spoke with the gentleman at MIT who wants me to write a story for their anthology. Now, this demands a number of different things, but the values of storytelling are controlled not only by such elements as theme and poetics, but also genre. The science fiction genre is a sub-set of fantasy, in that the core aspects must not only have an internal consistency, but also be congruent with the laws of physics. Or...those rules must be broken only consciously, sparingly, and with full awareness that the reader knows what you've done...and is suspending their disbelief in the hope that you will take them on a great and wondrous journey.

 

While there are many different definitions of the field of "science fiction" (or "speculative fiction" or whatever), I personally like to concentrate on the above definition, and Robert Heinlein's admonition that SF writers are asking one of three questions:

 

1) "What If?" (for instance: what if atomic energy caused grasshoppers to grow to the size of buses? The basic premise of many cheesy, enjoyable creature features.)

 

2) "If only..." (for instance: what if a man could slip into the past and prevent the Kennedy assassination? The basic premise of Stephen King's novel "11/22/63"

 

3) "If this goes on" (for instance: what if human population continues to expand in a Malthusian fashion? The basic premise of "Soylant Green" and other ecological disaster tales)

 

There are other ways of looking at the field. The important thing is that you must have your own theory, consciously or unconsciously pursued, and enough of your potential audience must agree that they recognize the tropes and tricks, and can relax and enjoy the show.

 

Steve

##

The ULTIMATE WRITER'S BUNDLE contains every basic tool you need to accelerate YOUR career. You can order it today at: http://tiny.cc/rj3ia

 

 

The "Diamond Hour" concept asks us to make regular, calculated, balanced progress toward our goals, starting with only five minutes a day. We max out on this basic work in an hour a day. For those who are committed, clear, and without emotional blocks, an hour isn't enough, and you have to hold them back from overtraining and burning out on work or family.

 

For those who hold resentments, fear and conflicted values around issues of body, mind, relationships or finances, five minutes it too much. They quite literally are unable to find 300 seconds out of twenty-four hours to prevent their stress from becoming strain. The creation of the "five minute miracle" idea was originally a way of providing a hyper-efficient means of stress-busting. What it became was a diagnostic: if my students or clients couldn't remember to take five sixty-second "breathing breaks" during the day, it became safe to assume that there was a powerful conscious or unconscious drive to remain rutted.

 

We don't like to change. Living systems crave homeostasis. Inertia is a very real thing. Your weight wants to stay what it is. Your relationship status wants to stay what it is. Your finances want to stay what they are...

 

Or deteriorate. If you want to improve, it is going to take energy. And the most efficient use of that energy is to find the smallest useful unit, the tiniest aspect of your life that will make a serious difference, and put your effort there. So...

 

1) identify a tiny change which, carried out over a year, would make a serious difference. Possibilities: rewrite your goals daily. Breathe deeply and slowly for sixty seconds five times a day, visualizing your goals as you do. Call your Mastermind partner for a quick conversation 2X a week. Use your cell phone camera to photograph EVERYTHING you eat.

 

2) Raise your energy level. Get more rest. Drink a gallon of water a day. Take a short walk after every meal. Clarify your short-term goals and how they relate to your long-term plans.

 

3) Practice the new change. Put your all into it.

 

4) Fail successfully. You will have breakdowns. Record the whys, whens, wheres, hows. HOW DOES THE RESISTENCE MANEFEST? WHAT TRIGGERS IT?

What tactics does it use to derail you?

 

5) Start over again. And then again. Swear to never give up. Find new resources to help. Try a new approach to solving the same problem. Keep at it.

##

Remember that every single skill you have was obtained by a cycle of trial, failure, frustration, and re-commitment. Never, ever ever give up!

###

"Steven Barnes has been a uniquely powerful practitioner at Moonview Sanctuary in enabling our clients to balance their physical and emotional arenas along a spiritual pathway to abiding self love and unifying purpose." 

Gerald M. Levin,
Former CEO, Time/Warner

 

The skills and technologies once available only to millionaire clients can now be YOURS in the 101Program, now available HERE:

http://tiny.cc/wj3bf
###

 

 

"That which you persist in doing becomes easier to do. Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed, but that your ability to do it has increased."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

I like that quote, and just wanted to throw it into the mix!

 

I've been commissioned to create a story for MIT's annual science-fiction anthology, a 3500 word piece to be completed by mid-April. Sounds like fun, and because I've been concentrating on more general principles of writing rather than specifics, I think it's time to flip it, and allow you to see my thought patterns when it comes to creation. When and if these thoughts intersect with the success principles we've been covering, I'll point it out.

 

The first matter of concern is to define terms. Shall we?

1) Short Story: generally a piece of written fiction less than 10k words. They are the perfect building blocks of a career. I get emails and requests almost every day from people who make the mistake of skipping this critical step, writing novels and then not knowing where or how to market them. Heck, most of the time the novels themselves are DEEPLY flawed, because the writer didn't take the simple step of publishing a dozen short stories first. And BTW--when I say "publish" I mean "get paid." The sincerest compliment in the world is a check that clears the bank!

 

I'm going to go pretty deeply into my process as work proceeds on this story. Stick around!

 

Steve

###

2012 could be the best writing year of your life! You NEED a copy of the LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG program, which includes a totally FREE evaluation of a short story--worth more than the price of the course!

http://bit.ly/c7oG9c

 

 

TAGR #13: The Sixth Sense

 

No, not M. Night Shamalan's best movie, but rather the culmination of the entire Napoleon Hill philosophy. And again, he is playing in a realm beyond rational thought. If you can't go there, I suggest you simply assume that he and his mastermind were wrong. On the other hand, if you are willing to speculate a bit, I believe something quite useful can be gained.

 

"The sixth sense defies description! It cannot be described to a person
who has not mastered the other principles of this philosophy, because
such a person has no knowledge, and no experience with which the
sixth sense may be compared."

 

If I take this literally, then it would be a mistake to attempt to approach this directly. With all due respect to Mr. Hill, SOME of what he discusses here has indeed been spoken of in various esoteric texts, but "Think And Grow Rich" is a hard-nosed book on success, not an airy-fairy new age bundle of aphorisms...so what's going on?

 

Well...I think that the best way of describing this is to say that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That if you take the preliminary steps: Focus desire, nurture faith, constantly imprint goals and positive beliefs, model excellence, develop your creative imagination, create and work your plan, make decisions quickly and change them slowly, persist in the face of all opposition, maintain a positive attitude, form alliances with others for mutual support and welfare, "channel" your emotional and physiological sexual energy, and open yourself to the possibility of non-ordinary communication...something miraculous can and will happen.

 

Frankly, the weeks I've spent going over the 13 basic principles have been a revelation. Again, I am grateful beyond belief to my Mom for introducing me to this. In the intervening years, I've experienced (what seemed to be) instances of precognition, aura reading, altered states, and non-sensory perception. While I can't predict their occurrences, I've stopped being surprised when it happens. I watch it with a slight sense of amusement and wonder, understanding that there is doubtless some physical explanation: but I don't have to understand that explanation to take advantage of the information.

 

And that's the key. My assumption is that I'm simply not smart enough to figure out everything the universe is up to. And that if I limit my input to what I can understand, I have diminished the overall input of useful or accurate data. On the other hand, you don't want to be too credulous, either.

 

In my world, that means that I apply any new information to all four major areas: body, mind, relationships, and finances. The more useful it is, the more I consider it to be true. The same is true of "experts" teaching about any subject. The more successful they are in all areas, the more accurate I believe their perceptions to be. By applying these two metrics, it is possible to sort your way through a huge amount of behavioral options safely: look at the people who practice X, or have opinion Y. How do they measure in ALL areas, compared to the general population?

 

  If worse, or about the same, I feel safe in ignoring them. If better...evaluate more closely. In my examination of high-functioning human beings a belief in non-ordinary communication or "intuition" is disproportionately high. This does NOT mean they are literally correct, but I do interpret this as "it would be smart to keep an open mind."

 

As I've said, I have two distinct personalities, a scientist and a shaman. They overlap a little, but not much. They are testy with each other, but do exchange Christmas cards. And that, for right now, is enough for me.

 

 

Steve

##

 

 

TAGR #12: The Brain

 

"MORE than twenty years ago, the author, working in conjunction with
the late Dr. Alexander Graham Bell, and Dr. Elmer R. Gates, observed
that every human brain is both a broadcasting and receiving station
for the vibration of thought."--Napoleon Hill

 

Now, there is really no way to interpret this other than that Napoleon Hill, and perhaps a number of those brilliant and successful men whose lives he studied, believed that psychic abilities exist, including telepathy and forms of clairvoyance. And this has been, and continues to be, a sticking point for many who might otherwise appreciate this book.

 

His basic contention:

1) Under certain circumstances, every brain is capable of picking up "vibrations" from other brains.

2) That this ability can be accessed through sex transmutation and other focusing of "energies."

3) That this capacity can operate as a mega "Mastermind," tapping us into a group or universal wisdom (similar to what is referred to as the "Akashic Records.)

 

There are two positive ways of addressing this belief:

 

1) One, that it is correct, and that we must expand our beliefs to include such capacities.

 

2) That it is a metaphor. In other words that under certain circumstances, our brains behave as if we are "picking information up" from other minds. We access previously unknown depths of creativity, intelligence, courage, problem-solving, and so forth.

 

It would be totally possible to focus on the fact that non-physical communication is contrary to your model of the universe, and miss the fact that what Hill did was observe a useful phenomenon and misinterpret its origin--and that would be foolish of us. From my own perspective, it is better to ask: "what might that phenomenon have been? Is there something advantageous happening here?"

 

I think there is. Briefly, when you combine clear goals with powerful emotions,you reach a point where what Hill calls "Creative Imagination" begins to produce ideas previously undreamed of.

"You have but three principles to bear in mind, and
to apply...the
SUBCONSCIOUS MIND, CREATIVE IMAGINATION, and AUTO-SUGGESTION.
The stimuli through which you put these three principles into action
have been described— the procedure begins with DESIRE."--Napoleon Hill

 

1) Have a clear, written goal

2) Visualize and emotionalize your process and result every day.

3) See how accomplishing your goal will improve your sex life. Feel it and let yourself get turned on by the idea.

4) Take daily action toward your intent.

 

Hill speaks more and more of "intangible" capacities toward the end of the book, until you'd wonder if TAGR was a stealth version of "The Secret." Considering that it is the best-selling self-help book of all time, I suggest that you neither reject nor accept what says automatically. But that you try its suggestions out for yourself. You're smart enough to figure out what is true, what is false, and what might be a genuine, if mis-labeled, phenomenon.

 

best game in town!

Steve

 

TAGR #11: The Subconscious Mind

 

"THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND consists of a field of consciousness, in which
every impulse of thought that reaches the objective mind through any
of the five senses, is classified and recorded, and from which thoughts
may be recalled or withdrawn as letters may be taken from a filing
cabinet."

 

And this is one of those moments when you can peek through the artifice to see what Hill is actually concentrating on. One of the "secrets" of TAGR is that Hill alludes to a certain principle
embedded in every chapter. Other books and courses have of course spoiled this "secret" over the years, and I won't be one of them--Hill considers it your job to find this principle all by your lonesome.

 

But that "secret" (and I seriously suggest you study TAGR until you discover it for yourself) is very nearly matched by the importance of another: that every chapter in the book is designed to improve communication between the conscious and unconscious mind.

 

Faith, desire, auto-suggestion, specialized knowledge, master mind groups, sex transmutation...it's all about enhancing this conscious-unconscious communication. My personal favorite form of "synching" these two are meditation and self-hypnosis. The idea is that the conscious mind holds the goals and plans. The unconscious holds our self-image, beliefs, emotional land-mines, and so forth. Only when inner and outer match do we have full access to our innate capacities. Let's take a look at the different arenas:

 

1) Martial arts. While tactics and strategy can be programmed consciously, in the heat of combat you have access only to what has been programmed into the unconscious--there is little time for conscious calculation when someone is trying to brain you. Your unconscious will control your training routine, discipline, courage, and much more.

 

2) Relationships. Much of the "how to pick up" " nonsense (whether the issue is girls or guys, short-term sex or long-term relationships) is about imitating the confident body language of someone who is successful and self-confident. Infinitely preferable is actually BE COMING successful on the terms of your chosen audience, and being genuinely self-confident and self-loving. Assume that the best results you'll ever get will come when you aren't paying conscious attention.

 

3) Writing. Stephen King refers to his creative elves as the "boys in the basement." He often starts stories with no idea how they will end--he has that kind of trust in his inner self. "The boys in the basement" have been trained by reading many millions of words (heck, it could be over a billion), writing millions, identifying with the finest writers of history, and a deep appreciation for small-town life and basic human nature. He is obviously writing what the heck he feels like, and it is instructive to study him for this reason.

 

4) Finances. The number of subconscious traps associated with finances are too long to list. And I wouldn't be the right person to enumerate, for reasons we've touched on. But lets just say that managing your money is a daily matter. That coping with customers, partners, employers or employees, as well as public servants and private consultants of various kinds...endless juggling. Mismanage any one of them, and you can sabotage your efforts terribly.

 

That's just a basic overview. Create your own list today, and begin to enhance that inner-outer communication that will control your success today, tomorrow, and the rest of your life.

##

Hypnosis is a powerful tool. If you seek a reliable source of basic skills, try Neuro-Vision:

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TAGR Principle #9:  Master Mind

 

 

TAGR #9: The Master Mind

 

There are several principles in TAGR which, taken seriously, will nearly maximize chances for success in life. This principle is one of them.

 

The "Master Mind" clearly parallels the "allies and powers" step of the Hero's Journey. It is the "hypermind" created by your alignment with at least ONE other person, who is committed to your success, and willing to work with you in a spirit of cooperation. There are so many ways that this is critical to your success, so many things that relate to this principle. Here are a few of them:

 

1) You and your mastermind partner should meet (or hey...speak via SKYPE!) twice a week.

2) A total spirit of cooperation must be the first priority. Remove partners from your mastermind group if they cannot meet this standard.

3) Your mastermind group can grow as large as you wish, so long as this cooperative spirit applies.

4) The topic of conversation should be the plans and actions that can take you to your goal, and keep personal talk to a minimum.

5) Goals should be simple, compact and easy for all to understand. Everyone must be aligned on the achievement of the same ends.

6) The Mastermind must operate in a spirit of mutual benefit and welfare. In other words, it is totally possible for every member of the Mastermind to have a separate goal, and the group rotates between them.

 

The truth is that if you don't have enough knowledge to accomplish your goal, it is totally possible to work around this by creating relationships with those who DO have such knowledge. In fact, it is virtually impossible to create an ongoing enterprise without creation of a Mastermind, whether you call it that or not.

 

In my own life, my "mastermind" experience worked as following:

1) Writing: My mentor, Larry Niven, has been totally invaluable in working out my career. Other allies include my first wife Toni (couldn't have done it without her!), my agents, editors, and so on.

2) Martial Arts. Coaches, teachers, training partners, therapists (no kidding), gurus and so forth--people who helped me learn physical, mental, emotional or spiritual aspects of the warrior's path.

3) Relationships: role models, therapists, and most of all my partners themselves.

4) Financial. As I've said, money was never something I pursued directly, always a side-effect of writing and teaching, my real loves. I am correcting that now with a tiny number of partners who want to build what I call "Clickbank Robots." The requirement, for those interested, is a passion for some subject you would love to share with the world, and access to an audience of at least five thousand people. It is amazing how many people have both of these things, if they stop and think about it carefully.

 

 The most important "Master Mind" partner you can have is your spouse. Life becomes hugely simpler if you have one person who can watch your back and share your dreams.

 

If you don't have a Master Mind, you could try joining the 101 Board (

http://route101.proboards.com)

 

If not that, then it is CRITICAL that you be able to 100% rely on yourself, your own clarity and internal honesty. Meditation, journaling, daily re-writing of your goals, and serious inquiry into WHY you can't find a single person to trust. Critical questions. Critical answers.

 

Tell the truth...and go for it!

 

Steve

##

Share this email with three potential Master Mind Partners!

##

New readers: begin your march to mastery HERE: www.realherosjourney.com/TAGR

TAGR Principle #8: Persistence

 

 

"Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
- Calvin Coolidge

 

The above quote says much of what I wanted to add on this subject. If you don't have persistence, you will fail. Period.

 

I am so humbly grateful that my mother drilled the principles of TAGR into me in childhood. In my own life, the quality of persistence worked like this in my basic areas:

 

1) Body. It took me 17 YEARS of training to earn my first black belt (I currently hold three, including a 4th degree in Kenpo). On average, it takes 3-5 years, but I was dealing with a crippling lack of self-confidence, fear, and a negative self-image created by childhood trauma. I banged my head against that barrier literally for decades.

 

2) Mind. I set a goal of being a professional writer, and decided to write and submit 100 short stories before I even BEGAN to evaluate the "reasonableness" of my goal. Everyone I knew told me I couldn't do it. My own mother tore up my early stories, for fear I'd waste my life. Only obsessive doggedness got me through. (P.S.--I made it to about #23 before I started selling).

 

 

3) Spirit. I investigated dozens of different paths, religions, spiritual teachers...always disappointed when they either turned out to be dead ends, or simply didn't fit my personal needs. Somehow, I never lost faith that I would find an answer. That answer came perhaps seven years ago, with a beautiful "ah-hah" moment where the answers to the questions "who am I" and "what is true" were clarified for me. All of the work had indeed paid off, but not as I expected, and not in the timing I'd anticipated. But...persistence was everything.

 

4) Finances. For decades, I ignored this. Being one of the fortunate few who could make damned good money simply following my bliss, I was insulated from many adult realities, and therefore unable to properly coach people without my specialized skills and fortune. Despite advice from friends and role models, I just couldn't get the little kid inside me to pay attention. Finally, after over a decade of thinking about it, I realized that the fact that my mother had originally exposed me to TAGR as a child could be used to my advantage. That "inner child" misses his Mommy terribly, and is willing to study TAGR as a way of feeling more connected to her once again. But lord, did I ever try a raft of techniques before I found the right one!

 

Want free writing advice?
http://diamondhour.com/FREELifewritingForWritersNewsletter.en.html

January 16 2012

 

TAGR #7: Mastery of Procrastination

 

"Perfectionism is Procrastination masquerading as quality control."--Steven Barnes

 

"Analysis of several hundred people who had accumulated fortunes well
beyond the million dollar mark, disclosed the fact that every one of
them had the habit of REACHING DECISIONS PROMPTLY, and of
changing these decisions SLOWLY, if, and when they were changed.
People who fail to accumulate money, without exception, have the
habit of reaching decisions, IF AT ALL, very slowly, and of changing
these decisions quickly and often."--Napoleon Hill

 

Adjust the previous numbers for serious inflation, and the implications are stunning. You know whether or not you procrastinate. Consider this to be ANYTHING that stops you from completing projects, being rewarded for them, and creating the next project.

 

In writing: this is anything that stops you from writing, re-writing, submitting, and continuing on to your next project.

 

In fitness: this is anything that stops you from moving your body daily, keeping track of your eating daily. Recording and evaluating your results, building support teams, and anything else that moves you in the desired direction.

 

In mental development, this means studying your occupation to see where you can improve, getting better role models. building rapport with your co-workers, developing a better mental attitude. Taking personal responsibility. Dividing the work into bite-sized chunks that can be completed by the end of the day.

 

In finances, this means balancing your checkbook, writing your goals daily, and saving 10% of your income for long term investment. I mean this money is NEVER to be spent--you will pass this to the next generation.

 

You must define the long and short term steps to your goals, break them into chunks, and track whether or not you are doing it. Procrastination is fear, and the first step to mastering fear is to acknowledge it exists.

 

You can learn more about controlling this destructive emotion with the MASTERING F.E.A.R. program, available HERE!

December 26, 2011

Think and Grow Rich #5--Imagination

 

TAGR #5: Imagination

 

"The imagination is literally the workshop wherein are fashioned all plans created by man."--Napoleon Hill.

 

"Man's only limitation...lies in his development and use of his imagination."--Napoleon Hill

 

"Transformation of the intangible impulse, of DESIRE, in to the tangible reality, of MONEY, calls for th euse of a plan, or plans. These plans must be formed with the aid of the imagination, and mainly, with the synthetic faculty."--Napoleon Hill

 

Specifically, what Hill refers to here is the "synthetic" imagination, by which one re-arranges old concepts, ideas, or plans into new combinations. This is distinct from "creative" imagination, which he posits to allow connection with extranormal sources of information.

 

And the most important use of this capacity is the formation of plans of action, and a clear goal. To put it in the words of friend and mentor Tim Piering, "The most important quality needed for success is clear goals and plans for their accomplishment expressed in continuous action."

 

In my own life, I've had four major goals in life, three explicit and one implicit.

1) Body. Health and fitness, and skill expressed in martial arts performance. I could certainly visualize myself wearing a black belt, or sparring with a high level of expertise. The plan of action included regular practice under a master teacher, and pushing my body to the highest level of fitness it could produce.

 

2) Mind--career. I visualized publication, awards, fans, and television and film production. The pathway was writing a story a week, or two stories a month. Reading ten times what I wrote, and sending the stories out to be published. I promised that I would do this for at least 100 stories before quitting.

 

3) Emotions--family. I wanted someone to love, and a family to care for. The road for this was to develop myself until the female equivalent of my own personal expression would be someone I was attracted to. This demanded the development of power in the arenas women I respected and desired considered attractive. Most of the "how to pick up girls" type stuff I've seen basically involves imitating the body language, relaxed confidence and focus of men who are healthy, successful, and self-loving. Why fake it?

 

4) Finances. This was always implicit. As a child, I never thought directly about money, and rarely did as an adult. But indirectly, it was always there: success in my art meant financial security. But because I thought of this only in a childlike fashion, I made plenty of money but never held onto it, and was unable to coach others with money trouble. Bizarrely, my "inner child" meditations didn't help. That little creative brat just didn't want to talk money!

 

  Then...sufficient thought, imagination and investigation revealed a possible avenue. While I never thought about money as a child, my mother obsessively played a wonderful audio version of THINK AND GROW RICH (and a few other self-help books) to me when I was seven or eight. On and on. Over and over throughout my youth.

 

I hated it. But...it sank in. And that means that this book connects to my childhood love for the wonderful woman who gave everything to raise me. That little boy will listen to that book because...well...

 

Because it feels like love.

 

The Second Principle: FAITH

 

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”

 Patrick Overton

 

 

It should be obvious to anyone who has been with me for a while that the principles of Think And Grow Rich are entwined deeply into every aspect of my life and teaching. The second principle, "Faith" is the same as the eighth principle of the Hero's Journey.

 

Defined as "evidence of thing not seen" this can be interpreted as a spiritual connection, or simply the capacity to believe that things, situations, and people can and will improve.

 

Any day that you wake up believing that today will be better than yesterday, this week better than last week, this month better than last month...

 

You will have energy, aliveness, joy, and creativity. The morning you wake up believing your best days are behind you...you will experience depression, fatigue, hopelessness and a shroud of negativity that cloaks your mind like a wet dishrag.

 

YOU MUST BELIEVE. If you want to find love, change your finances, get into shape, or learn a new skill...you must believe.

 

This is why desire is so important. You have to want something so badly that you are willing to "buck" the evil, negative voices in your head. The ones that say the past is the best of your life, that men and women are unworthy of trust, that you are broken and finished.

 

To be specific:

1) In writing, almost everyone I knew and everything around me said I could not have the career I wanted. I committed to writing, finishing, and submitting 100 short stories, and papering my walls with rejection slips, before even considering quitting.

 

2) In martial arts: I was dealing with so much fear, pain, and negative belief around the arts that it took me NINETEEN YEARS to earn my first black belt. The emotional agony was excruciating. I'd been so hurt and shamed for being small and gentle growing up that my self-image as a weak, defenseless artist was totally at odds with my goal of becoming a warrior.

 

3) In love, I made such mistakes in my early life that there was a specific moment, alone in a bare-walls apartment a thousand miles away from my nearest friends and family, I clearly, CLEARLY understood the desire for suicide.

 

The connection, the way through, the only salvation was faith. In myself. In the world. In my companions. And yes, in a higher power. That works for me. It may not for you. But you will need faith, of some kind, to see you through. Belief that there is more than your self image, more than your current concept. More than what you can touch and taste and hear.

 

Faith is knowing you've been down before, and gotten back up, dammit. You can do this. You MUST do this.

 

You're the only one who can.

 

Steve

 

 

December 20, 2011

 

 

"TRULY, "thoughts are things," and powerful things at that, when they
are mixed with definiteness of purpose, persistence, and a BURNING
DESIRE for their translation into riches, or other material objects."--Napoleon Hill

 

The bizarre thing about Think And Grow Rich is how almost every paragraph has been cannibalized by lesser writers, who have based entire lectures, courses, books and careers out on some single aspect of this insanely condensed and idea-rich book. You can open it at random on a given day, put your finger on almost any part of the page, and find life-changing concepts.

 

Every one of the thirteen principles, used deeply and mastered, would change your life. Any three of them would probably make you a rousing success. But say, seven of them? Any seven? If you re-read one of those seven chapters daily and implemented what it said? In a year or two, people would think you walked on water.

 

Let's get our feet wet, shall we?

 

The first principle is DESIRE. A burning, unquenchable DESIRE for your goals. Again, set goals in four arenas: physical health and fitness, love and relationship, mental performance/career/education, and monetary wealth.

 

These four interact, cross-reference, provide support and motivation for each other, and guarantee balance. You can have MORE goals, but be very certain that you cover at least these four. No one says it will be easy. It won't be. But I'd say 99.9% of people want all four of these things, while about 30% of people claim they don't. Someone is lying. I suggest you ask yourself if it is you.

 

It is comforting to pretend we don't really want things. that we have no desire to sing our song to the world as loudly and sweetly as we can in the trivial few days we have to live in this world. It is easy to lie to ourselves that we don't want the physical aliveness we had as children. We don't want the passion and love we desire. Don't want the financial success to create safe harbor for ourselves and our families. I've lost count of the people who've said: "I don't care about money"...and then gone on to describe ruined hopes and dreams that could be easily fulfilled with sufficient financial resources. Or causes they hold dear that will dwindle and die for lack of donations. Dreams of travel, education, or family comfort that could easily be assuaged with...money.

 

When we don't believe we can have something, or SHOULD have something, it is easier to simply pretend we don't want it. And those lies kill our dreams.

 

I would rather aim too high and be disappointed, than aim too low and fail to fulfill my potential.

 

I want the physical power, grace, and aliveness of a panther. I crave love, passion, and intimacy with a family and soulmate. I want to write stories that change the world and live for centuries beyond me. And I want such a surplus of money that I can be a benefactor to my family and the causes I believe in.

 

And I want them with a burning, driving, consuming passion...but also a slight sense of humor. I know it is a game. I'm prepared to lose. But I'm not going to sit on the bench in my own life, watching others play and wondering what I might have done if I'd just dared to get on the field.

 

I won't do it. THIS IS MY LIFE. The only one I get. The little boy inside me dreamed of being a writer, a martial artist, and having love.

 

By God, I went out and got him all those things. No matter the cost. No matter how many times I got knocked down. I was fighting for that little boy.

 

And he loves me for it. He is absolutely tickled at the man I am today...still standing, still singing my song. And the old man I will be on my deathbed is smiling at me as well: he knows that the money, the external success, even the external relationships are nothing more than an expression of what is happening inside me. Success is the result of CONSUMING DESIRE, sufficient to overcome obstacles, to be knocked down a million times and get up a million and one. To move through fear, and disappointment, and guilt, and shame. To be willing to overcome everything, no matter what.

 

I love that little boy inside me that much, dammit. My mother and father are gone. Have joined, in John D. MacDonald's great words, "the long, long line of the dead ones."

 

I am all he has. And I will fight to the last drop of blood for his dreams. Until the last breath. And I know that when my eyes close for the last time, he will be smiling at me. Loving me. Saying "you did good, Daddy."

 

And frankly? If that's all I get in life, that's all I need.

 

Steve

###

I'm going to be referencing this fantastic book often in the weeks and months to come. For your free copy, go to: http://realherosjourney.com/TAGR/

 

Dec 19th 2011

Every year I do this...

 

 

I am excited and honored to spend the next few weeks with you, exploring the world's greatest self-help book, THINK AND GROW RICH. I want to tell you WHY I offered this book free of charge (http://realherosjourney.com/TAGR/) and why it is so important to me...and I believe, to you.

 

My mother raised my wonderful sister Joyce and me by herself: she had divorced my father when I was about seven years old, and he simply wasn't around. Life was a struggle. I very clearly remember her cutting dandelions off the front yard so that we would have vegetables to eat. She struggled endlessly to provide basic needs, and had nightmares almost every night of monsters chasing and devouring her...the monsters of debt and fear.

 

We were poor in many ways, but she was careful to provide cultural opportunities, that we had a new World Book encyclopedia every year (by selling them herself!), that we had upper-class friends, and that we never thought of ourselves as poor.

 

And one of the things she did, that drove me crazy at the time, was play recorded versions of self-help books. Psycho-Cybernetics. "As A Man Thinketh." "The Strangest Secret." And..."Think and Grow Rich." Over and over again she played them, until I thought I'd go crazy. But you know what? They went deep. I heard those principles over and over again. Mom used them to survive.

 

But I was able to use them to thrive and succeed. I stood on her shoulders, not in her shadow. Bless her. Bless her from the bottom of my heart. She gave me the foundation of my life. I was a small, shy, pot-bellied four-eyed little fatherless nerd, bullied by everyone, even the girls. Few friends, nothing but a dream that one day I would have love, learn to fight back, and be able to share the crazy stories I had in my head with the world.

 

And now? I'm married to my soul-mate, have a fourth degree black belt and my doctor says my body is twenty years younger than my chronological age. My books have been published in at least eight languages, I've won multiple awards, been on the New York Times bestseller list, and I get fan letters every day, from all over the world, from people telling me my fiction and non-fiction has entertained, inspired them, and changed or even saved their lives.

 

I am blessed. And more than any other single work, teacher, or mentor, the book Think and Grow Rich is responsible.

 

I'm going to go over each of the thirteen major steps discussed therein. That will not be enough. You need to READ it. Again and again. I'd suggest once every year. Do what it says. Form a partnership with at least one other person with whom you share your dreams and hopes. If you don't have such a person (or even if you do!) join the 101 Board (http://route101.proboards.com)

 to support and be supported.

 

I will discuss everything in terms of what I myself have accomplished, my own struggles. No theory. I am excited because this is MY chance to go back through this book, remind myself of the principles that created my life. They are foundational. This is for myself, as much as any of you. Everything will be related to writing; physical power and health; and loving Self, finding the Soulmate, and building a family.

 

Won't you join me?

 

Steve

 

 

 

 

Healing Emotions #9--Don't let your Victories Defeat You!

 

Briefly the idea is this: If you don't soar too high, you won't fall too low. In other words, seek equilibrium. In the process of healing your wounded emotions, you are very likely to cycle between depression and exhilaration. In BOTH cases, it is useful to attempt to maintain balance.

 

When you are "up" you are in bliss, but not survival, and therefore it can be easier to gain perspective (survival fear creates "tunnel vision" like nobody's business. It can be almost impossible to interrupt that pattern without enormous effort). What you want is to avoid violent swings of the "wheel" of your emotions right or left. It is much like driving--when we first learn, we're likely to swing wildly. With time, we make tiny course corrections left and right until we appear to be traveling in a straight line.

 

 Get your FREE copy of the world's bestselling self-help book!

December 12

 

 

I'll continue on very soon and continue the process of emotional healing. What I wanted to do was to look again at what the entire process I've been working on since Lifewriting was still invented.

 

1) The first step was the realization that storytelling and human life are inextricably intertwined. That the structure of "story" represents the village elders telling the young people of the tribe "this is what your life will be. Therefore, it is possible to look at the structure of story and use it to sequence the resources you will need to accomplish any goal.

 

2) The second step was realizing that the Yogic Chakras represent a model for the path of growth toward becoming an awakened adult human being.

 

3) The third piece was the realization that the Hero's Journey could be viewed as the "path" between chakras--that as you finish one journey, you move to the next level and begin the next. While not an exact model of human growth (nothing that can be put into words can possibly be) it is pan-cultural, maps over with both ancient and modern thought, and offers a glimpse of an extraordinary dynamic process.

 

4) After spending twenty years grouping resources and varied philosophies, I've yet to find a major religion or philosophy that doesn't seem to be addressing the path formed by the intersection of these two models. Working with thousands of students over that time, the core concern seems to be finding a life of meaning while navigating this path.

 

5) You can walk this path from "the bottom up" (meaning--begin with a physical practice) or from "the heart out" (begin with a practice that concentrates on love, or the reduction of fear) but never, ever begin from the "head" down. In other words, intellectualization or purely spiritual practices don't work if they aren't anchored either in love, or physical reality.

 

6) The simplest way I've ever found of expressing the most useful thread in this path: imagine a line stretching from your childhood to your deathbed.

a) remember your childhood dreams.

b) clarify the values people actually hold on their deathbeds.

c) conduct your daily affairs in a manner to align with both of these.

 

Doing this seems to create a life of meaning, contribution, happiness, health, love, balance and success.

 

I invite you, as 2011 comes to an end, to address the three aspects of part 6. Journal about them. Look at your life, your career, your family and physical energy and work to align them in this way. You will have gone as far as you can go, at this moment in your life, toward wholeness and health. Take a step. As you do, you will see a little further. And that is all you need to do...take each step consciously and carefully and lovingly, in integrity with your fondest dreams and deepest values.

 

See you on the mountain!

 

Steve

DECEMBER 7, 2011

 

 

My name is, T. and I am in desperate

need of your help. I currently have an 8

month old daughter whom I love very

 much. My boyfriend has always been

a positive influence in my life, and is

also the father of my beautiful daughter.

 I have a great family support system

but am missing one thing in my life,

HAPPINESS! After having my daughter

 I was put on Anti-depressants, because

 I had post-partum depression once

my daughter was born. I am currently

over-weight and have been working

out everyday to try to make a positive

 change in my life. It just seems like

no matter how hard I try to make a

 positive change, something negative

 in my body always brings me down

and keeps me staying unhappy. I am

 very aware of failures in life and feel

 like after failing so many times, I've

never gotten back on the horse and

encouraged myself to keep going; that's

where you come in. At this point in

my life I don't have a lot of money, but

I would like to take one of your programs

listed on your website. I wanted to ask

 you which program you feel would fit

 me best? I need alot of spiritual

enlightenment, and I need a lot of

help in not letting fear get the best of

me. Please let me know what program

 you recommend so that I can start

on the path of actual living a happy

successful life. I need balance, encouragement,

career success, inner happiness, ....... I 

overall just need your help. Thank

you for your time and I hope to hear

 back from you soon.

###

 

I want to answer this as bluntly as I can.

While I love making money, these

messages are not ABOUT that.

 

1) You start with love, T. A daily

practice of heartbeat meditation

(sitting quietly, listening to your

own heartbeat for 15-20 minutes

a day) is calming and healing.

 

2) Journal daily, re-writing your

goals daily WITHOUT looking at

 the previous day's list. Remind

yourself what you are fighting for.

 

3) Visualize your beloved daughter

 as you meditate. Your own "child"

 essence is every bit as precious. See

yourself, as a child, safe within your

heart.

 

This, plus the free information in

these notes, is a lifetime of work.

You can accelerate this process by

following the instructions in the

101 PROGRAM, or MASTERING

F.E.A.R.

 

 

 

But I'm going to be honest: you

don't NEED them.

 

It's like John Lennon said: All

you need is love.

 

Steve

December 1, 2011

Healing Emotions #7: Collapsing to the Center

 

 

Healing Negative Emotions

7) Dark Night of the Soul--Collapsing to the Center

 

This is a delicate topic today, and I want you to consider carefully:

 

If it is inevitable that we suffer defeat, and that the approach to any major goal will cause a defeat that puts a crack in our ego shell, and WE KNOW THIS IN ADVANCE...

 

Then it behooves us, as aspiring adults, to arrange our lives so that these blows smash us in productive ways. This is one of the reasons why we encourage you to take responsibility for goals and results in the three major arenas of your life. BALANCE.

 

Ever see a movie like "The Manhattan Project"? Where the kid is constructing a home-made atomic bomb? The goal is to create a critical mass of fissionable material. That requires plastic explosive to drive all of the U-238 inward into a sphere at a single critical instant, triggering the desired *boom*. Just a fraction off in any direction, and you don't get that bigger explosion.

 

Now, it's not very likely that you're going to have a critical "breakdown/breakthrough" in all three arenas at the same time, but the implication here is that if you did, you might be able to trigger one of those "Saul on the road to Damascus" spontaneous enlightenment moments. While I hav no idea how to trigger that, or even if it would be desirable, or if there is any discipline in the world that attempts to choreograph breakthrough in all three arenas simultaneously, there IS wisdom in aligning yourself so that breakdowns will, over the course of a year or so, proceed in a balanced fashion.

 

It is popular to blame relationship issues on social factors, pointing out the high statistics of divorce. It is popular to blame "the economy" for our finances. And it is popular to blame factors outside our own behaviors for our weight problems. Plenty of agreement for all three. The doorway to the Pity Party is right over THERE.

 

But...if you take the short line. If you reject the notion that your life is out of your control, ah...that's very different. And extraordinarily powerful. One of the reasons we perform "Inner Child" meditation is that we often cannot take such responsibility for ourselves. We simply don't love ourselves enough. But most of us CAN rise to the higher level when our families or children are at risk: that's how we're wired up.

 

By creating an image of ourselves as a young, helpless child, it becomes easier to see that we simply cannot continue to blame things outside ourselves for our life situation. If we do, our "children"--our dreams, our hopes, our intentions in the world--will suffer horribly.

 

If you have committed to giving 100% of your effort to protecting that spiritual/emotional essence, that innocent core of your being. The "child" wants to look at the external factors and blame them for everything wrong: "a dog ate my homework!"

 

The "adult" knows that someone, somewhere, must be the bottom line. You have to be willing to hurt, to bleed, to cry, to really feel the pain of letting yourself down...but simultaneously identify with that precious, perfect child within you, always filled with love and hope. It is a tricky balance to maintain. Most of us can maintain one or the other, but only a lucky, gifted, or committed few can handle both.

 

See it as concentric circles, or spheres. The outer toughness, the inner heart. Think of it as male and female, yang and yin, adult and child, any other metaphor that works for you--they're all just labels to help you grasp the ineffable. Choose your goals in balance, and when failure comes, "collapse to the center"--inward to your beloved child, where you are prepared to give your life to protect what is most precious.

 

Bare your teeth. Put your back to the wall, that precious essence protected behind you. You are the bottom line. You would go into a burning building to protect your infant son or daughter, wouldn't you?

 

You owe yourself no less. The Dark Night of the Soul will come. You have to find something worth fighting for, worth living for, worth dying for...if you would survive it.

 

Your dreams, your love, your heart...can and should be that "something."

 

Steve

 

 

 

 

Healing Emotions #6: Expect Relapse

 

There is never, ever a straight line to any worthy and challenging goal. This is one of the rules we learn in childhood, and then arrange to forget every single day. Why?

 

Well...the "Hero's Journey" details the not a circular path (ending back at the beginning) but a four-dimensional spiral traveling through time, space, emotions and personal evolution. A true journey ends with the person NOT back where they began, but beginning the next level of their development. They may "return to the village" but the very act of bringing "the elixir" changes their status, and therefore the nature of challenges and opportunities they will face next.

 

And this is where it gets dicey: the ego perceives change, either positive or negative, as "death" and will fight to maintain homeostasis. That means that if you attempt positive change, it will work to sabotage you, UNLESS that change is in alignment with your self-image and pre-existing belief patterns and values. Ever wonder why it's so hard to lose weight? Increase income? Improve relationships? There you go.

 

And in terms of healing your heart, you'd better grasp that if you have a pattern of self-harm, or attracting and accepting people who harm you, some part of you is getting off on it. Believes that this is what you are worth. An ugly, ugly truth.

 

And that part, that does NOT want you to change, will make you forget that this pattern of growth is always, 100% of the time (for all practical purposes) accompanied by failure. Look at any skill you've ever acquired: walking, talking, riding a bicycle, whatever...and realize that you failed again and again. Fell down. Bruised yourself.

 

But you got back up again, and kept trying, or you never would have learned. We lose this as we get older--our ego shells are thicker, less flexible, more convinced that we "know" who we "really are." So when we resolve to change, then take action, and begin learning new skills, it is inevitable that we fall on our faces. Depression returns. The inappropriate relationship resurfaces. We pick up a cigarette. Break our diets. Get writer's block.

 

And if we interpret this as signifying that "we can't", "it's hopeless", "I can't do it" and so forth, your ego has fooled you into believing that you ARE your internal images, beliefs and values.

 

Once again, ego wins.

But if you take the long view, look at what the Elders of the world's villages have been saying about the path of life (and have been saying it for at least 10,000 years of recorded storytelling) you will get the joke. Realize that "failure" is just a sign that you were one of the very few with the courage to step up to the plate, and take a swing at the ball.

 

Celebrate your courage. Pick yourself up. Get back on the horse. You are bloodied, but unbowed. "Failure" is just a part of the process. Re-commit to your values and goals. Remember that you are the only one who can set yourself free.

 

Keep going. Never quit. If necessary, cycle back and get more allies, more resources. Believe in yourself. Love yourself like you would love your own most precious child.

 

Understand, before you begin, that YOU WILL FAIL. Understand also, that if you pick yourself up and keep going, YOU WILL WIN. That is the message the village elders have been telling you. Life is a bumpy road. It is tough.

 

Be tougher, dammit.

 

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Every day is a new chance. But there is no time, no room for self-pity.

 

Love yourself without mercy.

November 30, 2011

 

 

Healing Wounded Emotions #5: Allies and Resources

 

First, a recap of the first four steps:

1)    Acknowledging that there is healing to be done.

2)    Dealing with the fear and pain of that acknowledgement

3)    Accepting responsibility for change

4)    Creating a daily ritual of action

 

One important thing to do in accomplishing any goal is to grasp that, if you aren’t doing something, you may not currently have the resources to do it.   We resist this, believing that we can accomplish anything if we just try harder. Or conversely, we fear that if we admit that we aren’t currently accomplishing something, it means that it is beyond our ability completely.  There is a middle path—which is simply to take the position that we have the innate capacity to do something, but must gather new skills or allies to fulfill our potential.

 

Take a hard look at the skills and resources you currently possess.  Then, by modeling the behaviors and lives of people who have accomplished what you are trying to do, determine what is necessary to reach your dreams.   Subtract what you currently have from what you require, and what remains are the skills, attitudes, resources and allies you must gain in order to hit the mark.

 

In terms of healing your emotions, this might include (but is not limited to:

1)    Support groups

2)    Meditation techniques

3)    Journaling or dream-journaling

4)    Therapy

5)    Joyful activities

6)    New attitudes

7)    New beliefs and means of implanting them (hypnosis, NLP, etc.)

8)    Spiritual community.

9)    New friends and associates

10) New mentors and teachers

 

It can be especially painful to admit that current associates and relationships can be negative or damaging.  We sometimes feel that if we walk away from what we have, or demand respect and support from our intimates, that we will be alone.  But if we are not willing to stand up for ourselves…no one else will. 

 

Remember Step #3?  Accepting responsibility for our healing?  Well, I’m deadly serious about that.   You have to DEMAND support and respect, or have the self-love necessary to go and find the resources you need.

 

If you don’t have resources outside yourself, then you have to find them within.   Journaling and Heartbeat Meditation require no outside help, and can, over time, accomplish miracles.   Start with deep, unquestioning love for self…and if you can’t manage that, start with the COMMITMENT to develop a deep and unquestioning love for yourself.   It is critical to your survival as a spirit, and as a human being.

 

Settle for nothing less.

##

If you have no healthy community, and lack resources, PLEASE feel free to join the free 101 DISCUSSION BOARD: http://route101.proboards.com/index.cgi

 

 

Steven Barnes

 
Nov 29, 2011

Healing Emotions #4

 

Take Constant Action: the Daily Ritual

 

Damaged emotions, especially lost love, guilt and shame, can lead one into a spiral of depression, ending in literally curling into a foetal ball under the covers and wanting the world to go away.

 

Once this pattern has begun to assert itself, it can be absolute hell trying to break it. You don't have the energy, will, self-love, or resources. The answer is to

1) Have a technique that will break the spiral once it has begun.

2) Have a ritual you perform EVERY SINGLE DAY, rain or shine. This should be such a small investment of time and energy that if you don't do it, you KNOW that you are letting yourself down.

 

The "Five Minute Miracle" fits this bill perfectly. Learn it at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ2mWWz_p6M

 

It is

1) Quick

2) Effective

3) "Load"-able (in other words, you can deepen the practice by learning breathing techniques from other disciplines, or increasing intensity by extracting lessons from running, weight training, yoga, martial arts, etc. You can practice Heartbeat Meditation as you breathe. Visualize your goals and intentions. Visualize white light. The possibilities are endless)

4) Customizable. In the case of damaged emotions, I suggest that FIVE times during every day, during your "5MM" sets, you look in the mirror (or imagine yourself speaking to your "inner child") and say "I love myself." If you have any issues with self-love, you will hear voices saying crap like: "this is stupid" "it is wrong to love yourself" "who are you kidding" and so forth. Ask yourself this critical question: WHOSE VOICES ARE THOSE? Write the answers in your journal.

5) Requires no outside assistance or cooperation.

6) Perhaps most importantly--TRAINS YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND TO INTERRUPT THE NEGATIVE CYCLE AUTOMATICALLY.

Remember that by the time you NOTICE you are depressed, you are in the "Abyss" and it can be too late to voluntarily stop the cascade of emotional, psychological and physiological torment...you just have to ride it out. But if you re-train your breathing, it is possible to create a Pavlovian stimulus-response loop between negative input and positive, generative response.

 

Magic.

 

This five minutes can be the most important time in your entire day. You can spend more time, of course: add meditation, exercise, joint mobility, Five Tibetans, journaling, hugs, whatever else you want, until you have expanded upwards to a "Diamond Hour" of daily work.

 

The trick is that you do at least five minutes DAILY. No one lacks five minutes to save their own lives. If you can't carve out that time, you have effectively defined a major problem in your life. Make a commitment: after you spiral back up out of the depression (you probably will), find the resources and allies necessary to help you through the NEXT time you are depressed. You'll be there again.

 

But if you follow these suggestions, and treat yourself gently...the next time, you'll rise as fast as you fell.

 

Onward!

 

Steve

Nov 28, 2011

The following was posted on the 101 Board this morning, by LaVeda, who is an angel. I wish I'd had this to send to you for Thanksgiving...so just consider this my way of thanking all of you for being a part of my life. (And join the 101 Board to ask any questions about body, career, or relationships! route101.proboards.com)

 

 

###

 

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes... I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it', said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost.'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of

 November 26, 2011

 

 

I spent an hour this morning meditating, trying to dig down to some older "circuits" of my personality. My family needs me to expand my definition of myself, and it is hella hard to change patterns that have been generative, and healthy, and productive for decades.

 

The kid inside me wants martial arts, family, and writing. And when I look back over my life, despite a sometimes bumpy road, those three things have been constant, and I've exceeded my original specifications for success many times. Good going, kid.

 

But now I have to change that, to provide not just physical security, but to be certain that I am remaining true to my dreams, my ultimate values, AND the demands of the current situation. And this is where it gets funky.

 

Tried to lose weight when you attach your core identity or survival needs to the flesh cushion? Ever wonder why you can't stay on a "diet" or exercise program? Hah.

 

Tried to improve a relationship, or find one, when everything in your heart says it will lead to pain, it is too late, there are no good men/women, or that you have nothing to offer? Watch yourself sabotaging efforts and rejecting "nice" people while being attracted to bastards and bitches? Hah.

 

Tried to master your finances when everything in your heart tells you money is evil, that you mustn't exceed your father's success, that money makes you a target, or that it "takes money to make money"? Watch yourself neglecting to balance your checkbook, knock on doors, make calls, find yourself hallucinating that buying a lottery ticket is an "investment"? Hah.

 

We're such silly creatures. But these are not "flaws." They are evidence of survival wiring, and as such you need to go deep. DEEP inside, find the fears, and de-inhibit them slowly and carefully, like defusing a bomb or charming a nest of snakes.

 

I compare it to overhauling your car while driving on the freeway. Without stopping.

 

There is nothing easy about this. There has never been an owner's manual. I believe the secrets related to how to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit were specific to our original tribal lives, but recreating them for a more dynamic world is driving us crazy.

 

I also believe that the answers are there--but you must be careful in winding together the disparate strands, which can be found in pieces from cultures around the world. The secret is that you must center your learning EITHER around healing your heart OR strengthing your body. Either is generative, and will lead to growth in other levels. If you try to sort through this stuff head-first you risk falling into a pit of ego-vipers.

 

Heart: heal your emotions, strengthen your spirit, form a healthy romantic/sexual relationship with a mature human being and build a life together.

 

Body: Master your body (any discipline will do), then learn to take that energy into expressing healthy sexuality, building a career, and finding a healthy relationship.

 

Either approach will do. Find the rules in the culture, religion, philosophies that appeal to you. Seek the answers that "cluster" around these two points, and make them yours. Discard anything that doesn't speak to these--trust me, if they are valid, you will re-discover them as you grow.

 

Trust your own experience. When it is in alignment with modern theory and ancient wisdom, you've found your way. When your way is in alignment with your childhood dreams and your deathbed values...

 

You have found the door to Awakened Adulthood.

 

Open the door. The friends you'll make on the other side are remarkable spirits indeed.

 

November 25, 2011

Catch a "Brick" on Black Friday!

 

 

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." -- David Brinkley

 

Don't duck, catch! I'm throwing a few "bricks" your way right NOW! I'm going to have fun for the next day or so, by cutting the price of my best courses by an average of 50%. Just a way of saying "Thank you" to you all, and getting ready to close out the year.

 

Everything that I teach arises from one basic concept:

 

What happens if you write, or live, as if the interaction of the Hero's Journey and the Yogic Chakras define what it is to be a human being?

 

Everything else is either a tool placed in proper sequence, a map of the territory discovered, or a comment or observation by a fellow-traveler on the road. Everything. And its getting more exciting as you dialog with me, and let me know what you want, and need, and how you've used the technologies and perspectives we're sharing at Diamond Hour (and yes, the entire Diamond Hour concept is "merely" a way to cut away excuses--you can actually create a new, better life in all three arenas in only an hour a day! And yes, I routinely coach writers to that critical "2-4 stories a month" threshold even if they only have 60 minutes a day!)

 

Anyway, if you jump over to my "Store" on Payloadz.com, you'll find my best "stuff" on sale for the next day or so...

 

The 101 Program...formerly 49.95, now only 29.00!

Lifewriting For Writer Bundled with "Focus and Flow"...formerly 169.95, now only 99.00!

Tananarive Due's "Secrets of a Writer's Life"...formerly 29.95 only 19.00!

The bestselling "Warrior Sleep" program...formerly 19.95...now only 9.00!

The bestselling Lifewriting Year Long program...formerly 149.95...now only 89.95!

Hero's Journey program...formerly 139.95...now only 69.95!

Mastering F.E.A.R....formerly 49.95...now only 29.95!

 

Right now! Either click the link below, or cut and paste it into your browser. Do yourself a HUGE favor, or stock up for Xmas presents. Black Friday is here!

 

And remember about that "brick"...don't duck, CATCH!

 

http://store.payloadz.com/results/results.asp?m=149860

 

##########

 

Don't be the Turkey at your own Thanksgiving!

 

Hey!  Thanksgiving is almost here

with Christmas and New Years right around

the corner.    The most wonderful time

of the year, but also, for many of us, killer

stress.  Let me be painfully honest: about

27 years ago, my mother died, right exactly

 between these holidays. Every year is a

 struggle between joy and pain. It is critical

 for me to support my family in experiencing

 the greatest happiness it is possible to

provide--those childhood memories must last

 a lifetime.

 

So I have to deal with the negative

emotions in the healthiest way I can,

and never let them intrude on the

celebration. I wanted to offer to all of

you one of the most powerful tools I

know, and created the following video

 to teach the basics:

 

http://youtu.be/eQ2mWWz_p6M

 

This technique, taking only five minutes

 a day, can help you wrestle that

stress to the ground.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

Steve

###

Just over a month until the end

of the year. Give yourself the best

New Year ever, with 101 days of

the best advice you've ever had:

body, mind, spirit, relationships,

finances...all in a single package.

 

Give yourself an early Christmas!

CLEAN YOUR WHOLE HOUSE IN FIVE MINUTES?

 

 

 

Well, no. But...and this is important...if you choose ONE major area of your house, say, your dining room table, and keep THAT totally, spotlessly clean, neat, and cleared...

 

You'll be amazed. You'll begin to keep the area AROUND the table clear as well. You'll start putting things away automatically, to keep that table clear, and it will propagate. You'll consider having just ONE clean area in every room of your house.

 

And before you know it, your whole house will be cleaner, almost automatically. Because you cleaned one area.

 

That's called a "generative" change, a "difference that makes the difference." What we try to do in the Diamond Hour is seek "trigger points", small changes that can make big differences. Say...balancing your life between body, mind, relationships, and finances. That single change, admitting that you want abundant health and energy, loving passionate relationships, a sharp focused mind and the ability to consider money a tool rather than an obstacle. Just admitting you want them, then progressing toward them, will teach you everything you need to know...but you have to tell the truth.

 

Telling the truth in one area of your life begins to change everything. Just like cleaning one surface in your house can make a stupendous difference in overall neatness.

###

 

J. Edgar (2011)

 

The new Clint Eastwood-directed, Leonardo DiCaprio-starring biopic of the late creator and director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is a "close but no cigar" proposition. It wants to be great, it flirts with greatness, but ultimately Eastwood's respect for his subject subvert growing thematic thread, and steals critical emotional juice from the film.

 

On the one level, "J. Edgar" is the respectful story of a man obsessed with protecting his country and his legacy, building a modern crime-fighting instrument at a time when the Tommy gun was the ultimate tool of both law-breaking and law-enforcement. He served through eight administrations and was clearly a brilliant and brittle man, canny at self-promotion, who shaped our country's attitudes about Communism, crime, civil rights, and more. Perfectly capable of bending or breaking laws to fulfill his chosen purpose, whether he was a "good" or "bad" man depends partially on one's own political persuasion, and view of human nature.

 

(slight spoilers ahead)

 

On the other hand, the film is virtually a gay love story between Hoover and Clyde Tolson, employee and companion for decades, and, so suggests the filmmakers, a relationship never quite consummated: Tolson would have been all for it, Hoover was too inhibited to quite set himself free to follow his heart.

 

There are two directions this could have gone in: either fully allowing Hoover his sexual expression, or specifically investigating the conflict of a man supporting a social value structure that denied him his own humanity. Either would have been fascinating, but probably still too dangerous, thirty years after his death. Says something about the man's power.

 

The fabled Hoover Files, filled with blackmail material on the high and mighty, could easily be seen as preemptive protection against being outed, and ousted, for his sexual proclivities. There's a thread that could have been strengthened. And his obsession with Martin Luther King's sex life would have been more deeply investigated, as jealousy for a man who would not be blackmailed (Hoover is presented as threatening MLK with exposure if he accepts the Nobel Peace Prize) away from his chosen path. There's a thread. Could have been powerful as hell, and they flirt with it but don't really pull it.

 

But no matter which way they went, clearly this aspect of the man was of critical importance to understanding him. Whether gay, straight or asexual, there is no way this aspect was of "null" impact on his world view and behavior. Personally, I think there is no reason not to assume he was gay, and that all protests against the idea are simply relics of a time such behavior was considered derogatory. But if it has no more "good" or "evil", "right" or "wrong" connotation than whether you like tacos or hot dogs (so to speak) then it becomes torturous to construct a personality void of sexual expression. In my opinion.

 

But in that case, there is a major omission. At one point, they imply strongly that Hoover had been dating, and having an affair with, actress Dorothy Lamour (the "Road" movies). And all they do is TALK about that. Excuse me? No matter how you slice that one, that's something we should have seen, not heard about. It's flat absurd not to show us his interaction, even if they left certain details artfully or discreetly vague.

 

Strange. This creation of a thematic thread (denial of identity leading to psychological or social dysfunction and obsessive-compulsive behavior) could be viewed as a "Hero's Journey" model:

 

1) Hero Confronted With Challenge: to be a great man, protect his country, and restore his family name.

2) Rejection of challenge. He knows that his sexual leanings would destroy him, if known.

3) Acceptance of challenge. To serve his country and forever repress his sexual proclivities.

4) Road of Trials. Establishing his agency, fighting crime, integrating new scientific methods, trying to navigate a social life that allows him to maintain a public face while simultaneously satisfying his emotional needs.

5) Allies and powers. Fierce intelligence, drive, and commitment to his country. Tolson, his secretary Helen Gandy (Naomi Watts), partner/assistant Clyde Tolson, agents, scientists, politicians, etc.

6) Confront Evil-defeated. The suggestion is that he was challenged to fully integrate his public and private lives, and this eluded him.

7) Dark Night of the Soul. The sense that he would never be a great man, because he could not accept him self, and demand that others accept him for his actual truth.

8) Leap of Faith. He was unable to take it.

9) Confront Evil--defeated. Unable to help his nation to a higher level of "integration" and acceptance of 'the other'--heaping civil rights (including sexual rights) in the same heap as crime and Communism.

10) Student Becomes The Teacher--true greatness eludes him. Whereas, MLK is considered "great" despite what (Hoover saw as) gigantic character flaws--but a personality far better integrated, and therefore capable of generative social change.

###

Despite my sense that greatness eludes this film, as perhaps it did its subject, this is more than an honest effort. It is a great filmmaker attempting to grapple with a great subject. It might have been better to wait another decade before attempting it: we are not yet free enough of our sexual provencialism to really look at this Gordian knot with clarity, or it would have taken a man younger or less Conservative than Eastwood to view the world without roots in a specific way of thinking and being--Eastwood was far too comfortable with snarky gay jokes in his early movies, and despite his admirable current philosophical stance on the subject, there is no way I can believe there isn't emotional "heat" there. Human beings have limited flexibility.

 

But he is a master, worthy of deep respect, and if "J. Edgar" fails it is partially our failure. There is simply no way to present this story without offending someone. Di Caprio delivers an Oscar-level performance, while Eastwood walks a tightrope between perceptions, social conventions and artistic obligation.

 

A high-wire act, indeed. Give it a "B." But it could have been so much more.

Or less.
##

The core idea driving my interpretation of this movie is that our personal integration, our ability to tell the truth about who and what we are--to ourselves, our families and society, provide the strongest foundation for growth and the absence of this is a fertile ground for self-destruction.

The LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG program approaches this from a hundred different directions, offering you the chance to create a Master's Class in characterization by studying your own life.

Order your copy today!

 

 

NOVEMBER 18, 2011

Healing the Wounded Heart

 

I've received so much positive feedback

for this series that I've decided to speed

up the pace at which I can relate it to

my students:

 

So here you have TWO VIDEOS I've created

for you. Watch them today, and begin your

healing tomorrow.

 

Writers: this is your cue to damage your characters,

and then begin the process of healing them!

 

 (Part One)

http://youtu.be/RtzlACXiy8U

 

(Part Two)

http://youtu.be/njL-sfYCK54

 

Healing Emotions #3: Taking Responsibility for your own happiness

 

One of the easiest ways for someone to control you is to hold you responsible for their happiness. Conversely, believing that other people, or for that matter any things outside your own mind, are "causing" your happiness is missing the relationship between mind and emotion.

 

Grasping that you have responsibility in any past negative relationships can be a healing, empowering thing--so long as you aren't paralyzed by guilt. And grasping that you, more than any other person, are responsible for making yourself happy, is liberating.

 

Yes, there are people who will attempt to tell you you are selfish if you seek to reference your actions to your own values and pleasure. It might be useful to ask yourself how often they neglect their own. In general, people who insist you put their wishes first have gotten in line before you to worship at their own image. It is a con game: "I take care of me, and you take care 

 

 

Healing the Wounded Heart #2--acknowledge your fear

 

I've been in the NW for the last week, seeing friends, doing business and recharging. Back home now, and back at work. A reader sent me the following note:

Hello Steven,

 

I’ve been receiving your diamondhour emails for some years now.

 

I read them and meditate on them, but never took any action, hence I never felt the desire to take action  all these years until today, (fear, laziness, lack of motivation are my excuses) I would always dream about taking action, but never made a move.

 

I purchased (F.E.A.R) and I must say at first I wasn’t sure if I had learned anything, until a year ago I had to make a decision to stand up for myself at work, or continue to be harassed.

I was able to use what I learned from (F.E.A.R) and get through a very trying time, and at the end I had the courage to stand up and speak out make wrong right and at the end I had the courage to also leave a job that did not bring me any satisfaction.

 

...

 

I started a new job back in March of this year, a job that I thought I would like and maybe grow to love. I now realize I was playing it safe, by taking this job, not ready to put in the work to become a writer, what I have always desired to be since my pre-teens. I’m turning 33 in 7 days and my gift to myself is to start taking my baby steps.

 

I have a question for you:

 

Why do you send these wonderful motivating emails out, why do you give these life lessons to the public (complete strangers) Is it your way of giving back?

 

I appreciate all that you do, because somehow your words in your weekly emails and online information are seeds that have been planted inside of me, and I feel the growth taking place now.

 

I pray that you continue to be a Divine vessel and many blessings to you and your family.

 

 

With Love, Light, and Peace

(Name Withheld)

 

Thank you so much, J. I share because I must. It is simply a part of the deal--the universe gives to me, I have to pass it on. I see so much pain in the world connected to fear and lack of clarity. It would be like seeing a burning building, with people trapped within, thrashing about unable to find the exits. It would be almost impossible not to say: "here's the door."

###

One of the things I've noticed over the last years is that until people are prepared to actually deal with their issues, they will complain about them, but never actually look at the underpinnings, tell the truth about what is happening to them, or admit fear. The standard tactic is to blame others (or genetics, or environment), seek to distract questioners with borderline illogic, create arguments to distract questioners with guilt ("how can you say that! That's offensive") instead of looking at WHY a string of words triggered an anger response. And so forth. And the sad thing is that, hours, days, or years later, these people admit that they were using those techniques to distract, protect, deflect, or slow down the process of change.

 

In dealing with wounded people, it is very common for them to use the following tactics:

1) saying they don't want a relationship.

2)only being attracted to people who are unavailable (due to other commitments, geography, emotional problems)

3) setting impossible preconditions to relationships

4) drain off all their "relationship" energy into caretaking and "fixing" others, rather than dealing with their own "stuff."

 

The most honest approach would be to say "I'm not ready to have a relationship yet. I have work to do." But this is as rare as someone saying "I'm not ready to lose the weight yet" or "I'm not ready to heal my finances yet." The far more common reaction is to try to convince allies, friends and families that they are fine, doing all they can, are in control.

 

Eventually, the consequent string of failures will either cause enough pain to wake them up, or drive them into bitterness and denial: happiness, health, or success are impossible. Or: they believe they are simply broken.

 

Both are terribly sad, and a waste of life.

 

What stops them from clarity is usually fear. Fear of admitting they are the problem. Or that they don't know what they really want. Or that if they admitted what they really want, they would have to deal with the disappointment of never having it. Or fear that their allies would desert them if they didn't "think" that every effort was being made. This is very common among people who are "trying" to lose weight, while actually needing to keep it on. They will EITHER exercise, or "diet"...but never control input AND output at the same time, because that would actually cause weight loss and dissolve the armor.

 

Fear. If the first step is to acknowledge that the heart needs healing, the second step is to be honest about the fear that causes distortion and deflection. You don't need to have the ANSWER, but you must clearly state the situation, and also the question. Leading to the formulation:

1) I am dealing with massive fear in this arena.

2) I don't know how to deal with that fear.

 

Just the clarity, and the commitment to tell the truth and not take side-trips through delusion, are necessary steps to actually defining the problem clearly and determining the appropriate resources necessary to accomplish the goal. Remember that your ego thinks it is you--it will not help you in this process.

 

Remember the "Cradle to the Grave" time-line: connect with your childhood goals. Connect with your deathbed values. Conduct yourself on a daily basis so that both your "child" and "elder" personalities are happy with what you are doing on a daily basis.

 

Accept no substitutes.

 

 

Steve
###

The "Mastering F.E.A.R." course is my most direct commentary on mastering this critical area. It has changed many lives, and you can...and should...be next!

 

##

The "Mastering F.E.A.R." course is my most direct commentary on mastering this critical area. It has changed many lives, and you can...and should...be next!

NOVEMBER 8, 2011

 

 

We had a fabulous "Diamond Hour" show on Saturday. Lots of great energy and synergy. According to comments, the highlight was my listing of "Ten Steps to healing your heart."

 

Now, understand--I'm not just talking about "heartbreak" in the romantic sense, although everything I said certainly applies. I'm talking about any arena where too much fear, or too little love, has crippled your ability to express yourself fully. Where have you let either stop you? Your career? Social connections? Fitness and health? Creative output?

 

Doesn't matter. These ten steps, culled from a lifetime of study and organized along the steps of the Hero's Journey (of course) will work either with a specific issue, or a generative need. In other words, if you follow the steps, you will receive benefits far beyond the issues you may be consciously aware of. This...is good stuff.

 

1) STEP ONE: Acknowledge that you NEED healing. No human being makes it through life unscathed. We all carry war-wounds, scars, disappointments, pain, fear, grief, resentment, and anger. Life kicks the living #$%% out of you, if you can't keep your balance and protect your open heart. Tell the truth.

 

If Musashi's first step is "Do Not Think Dishonestly," that means the ability to admit that there IS an issue is the single most important, critical step. Without it, you will not take action. Let yourself feel the pain of betrayal, disappointment, failure, breaking your word to yourself, losing love...all of these things can be used to motivate. How? Gain clarity on what your perfect life would be, had you not carried these wounds. What would your perfect career be? Financial picture? Relationship? Body? Self-image? If you weren't carrying those wounds, what would be true about you that is not true today?

 

The greater your clarity, the easier it will be to do the following: put your fear behind you, your love in front of you, and run like hell.

 

But the first step is to acknowledge there is work to do.

 

Get busy!

Steve

NOVEMBER 7, 2011

 

 

 

"Tower Heist" (2011)

 

What if disgruntled Bernie Madoff victims decided to rip him off? That's the basic set-up of this low-rent "Ocean's Eleven" caper film starring Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy. The employees at an ultra-swank NY condo building invest their retirement and life savings with a sleazy stock manipulator (Alan Alda) and when he is revealed as a thief, are totally devastated. When the general manager (Stiller) learns that Alda may have salted away twenty million in cash in his apartment, the idea of ripping him off is pretty automatic.

 

He recruits a rag-tag group of former employees and residents (including Matthew Broderick and Gabourey Sidibe), but needs the help of an old friend (Eddie Murphy as a career criminal. Very good, but underused) to pull it all together. The climax, taking place during the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, involves various (very) hi-jinks and is pretty tense and funny, if not classic.

 

And here's the problem. It could have been. They actually had a set-up that could have gone all the way to classic, but despite six featured writers, is undercooked. The relationship between Stiller and Murphy wasn't really explored or arced, the relationship of race and class in America could have been a deeper subtext (as, for instance, it was in "Trading Places") and Murphy's arc is curiously flat, to the point that we aren't even certain what happened to him at the end.

 

That said, it is clever, and fun, a perfectly good way to spend a couple of hours. The performers are strong across the board, and the revenge scenario is lip-smacking good. With nods to classic capers like "The Thomas Crown Affair" and "Goldfinger," "Tower Heist" is good enough...but should have been much, much better. A "B-"

###

CONFRONTED WITH CHALLENGE: Building manager Ben Stiller must deal with the reality that his hero is a crook.

REJECT CHALLENGE: If it is true, he has flushed his friends' savings down the toilet. Massive guilt.

ACCEPT CHALLENGE: Let's rob the thief.

ROAD OF TRIALS: Every action taken to plan and execute the robbery (can't be more specific without ruining the movie!)

ALLIES AND POWERS: Employees, resident, and old friends who have various needed skills and motivations. Courage, intelligence, knowledge of the building and residents all come to bear.

CONFRONT EVIL-DEFEATED: A major reversal toward the end of the film makes all seem lost.

DARK NIGHT: Betrayal, confusion, and failing plans seem to doom them.

LEAP OF FAITH: The ability to switch plans at a moment's notice leads to a hair-raising climax

CONFRONT EVIL-VICTORIOUS: A final conversation with Alda is delicious.

STUDENT BECOMES THE TEACHER: No real lessons...but a perfectly reasonable measure of audience satisfaction.

 

NOVEMBER 4, 2011

 

 

"Oliver" (1968)

 

One of the finest musicals ever created, "Oliver" is a slightly lighter version of Dickens' classic "Oliver Twist" with some of the more abusive and horrific aspects toned down, the anti-Semitism considerably curtailed, and a sprinkling of drop-dead brilliant performances (Ron Moody and Fagin, Shani Wallace as Nancy, Jack Wild as Artful Dodger) and one heart-breaking and soleful (and unfortunately once-in-a-lifetime) performance from Mark Lester as the titular orphan, Oliver.

 

The original novel was subtitled "The Orphan's Progress" and that title is accurate. It is the tale of Oliver, born to an unmarried mother in a poor house in London in the 1800's. He is shuttled from one terrible situation to another until running away to "make his fortune" in London. There, he meets the marvelously amoral young pickpocket Artful Dodger, who introduces him to Fagin, the elderly mentor to a bunch of thieving street urchins, also meeting the monstrous Bill Sykes (Oliver Reed) and his wounded, pathologically optimistic, doomed girlfriend Nancy.

 

We all know the story that follows, but by making Fagin more empathetic (he has genuine avuncular affection for Artful Dodger, and is no longer the "loathesome Jew" of the novel. Brrrr. Interestingly, several musical cues are reminiscent of "Fiddler on the Roof" such that his ethnicity is clear, but Moody imbues Fagin with a humanity wholly missing from the novel, and his story arc is just marvelous). The art design is magnificent, evoking London from the high to the low, letting us smell the stinking streets while still somehow able to agree with Nancy that it's "A Fine, Fine Life." A small miracle.

 

Hero's Journey time:

HERO CONFRONTED WITH CHALLENGE: Orphan Oliver must find some way to a decent, moral life.

REJECTS CHALLENGE: There seems no hope for such a happy outcome. There is no clear route to anything but degradation, crime, and eventually prison and decay.

ACCEPTS CHALLENGE: His basic decency and optimism shines forth no matter what the circumstances. His is a pure soul in a warped world.

ROAD OF TRIALS: from Workhouse to London alleys (literally walking a long and painful "road" along the way), learning to be a thief, being caught, tried, adopted into a good home, being kidnapped, forced to steal...oh, I could just go on and on.

ALLIES AND POWERS: Artful Dodger (regardless of introducing Oliver to crime, it is arguable that Oliver might have died or worse had they not met), Nancy, and then various Magistrates, beadles, relatives and charitable souls who lift him slowly from the gutter)

CONFRONTATION WITH EVIL--FAIL: Bill Sykes (and to a lesser degree, the wiley Fagin) are unwilling for Oliver to be rescued from his situation, and when it seems he has "escaped,"drag him even further down. Sykes is a beast with no redeeming qualities other than having all his teeth. Sykes kidnaps Oliver with the help of Nancy.

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL--It seems that Oliver will never escape the "trap" of poverty and crime.

LEAP OF FAITH--Again, his pure spirit shines forth from the very beginning, and inspires Nancy to take steps to save him, even though they ultimately cost her own life.

CONFRONT EVIL--SUCCEED Sykes is undone as the entire community rises up to prevent his escape. Oliver is rescued and restored to his rightful station in life.

STUDENT BECOMES THE TEACHER. Well...Oliver has touched the hearts of all around him. Arguably, Artful Dodger and Fagin are still the same rascals they were at the beginning (an utterly charming scene) so we can just take this step to represent Oliver's rise in station, and confidence that he will become a fine man and pillar of his community.

 

It is instructive to read "Oliver Twist" and then to watch the musical, to see the choices made, and theorize about why they were or were not appropriate. Get to work!

NOVEMBER 3, 2011

 

 

"The confidence of amateurs is the envy of professionals" G.J. Nathan.

 

My seven year old son thinks he is a professional soccer player. My non-writer friends think that I should just be able to write whenever and whatever and from wherever I want, and that they can call me in the middle of my work-day and it won't matter.

 

People mocked Jack LaLane for growing old. People who have never had a healthy relationship offer unsolicited advice on how to find love or "score."

 

And people who have never run a business are filled with opinions about how Apple or Microsoft should operated. People on both sides of the abortion debate "know" when life begins, while scientists can't even agree on the line between "living" and "non-living" objects.

 

From the outside of any discipline, it is easy to have opinions about what is true, how it works, what we should do. Without a means to TEST those opinions, it is just hot air. The reason I love the Scientific Method so much is that if you can actually observe a phenomenon, formulate a hypothesis, create an experiment to test your hypothesis and then publish your results...the feedback you get from people who attempt to duplicate your experiment is awesomely valuable to help you make your way through life's amazingly subjective minefield.

 

The deeper you go into any field, the more your former certainty dissolves away. I used to love listening to armchair boxing fans criticize Ali's performance: "dammit, man doesn't even know how to keep his hands up!" I notice that these people never place themselves in an arena where their ideas can be disproven.

 

This is why I say that you need to have goals in multiple, measurable arenas of your life: relationship, physical health and fitness, mental clarity (career skill), and finances. Set up standards that allow you to actually succeed or fail. Objective measures, not "feelings". How many pages did you write? How much did you sell? How many times did you meditate this week? How much time did you spend with your children? Do you have a healthy romantic/sexual relationship? Did you eat consciously?

 

By actually measuring, actually stepping into the arena in which your theories about life can be proven or disproven, you stop being an "amateur" human being and start being a "professional"--your job is to be the best, healthiest, happiest, most honest, loving, and successful version of "you" you can be. It will be a process of testing your assumptions one at a time, examining your beliefs, clearing away the fog. It can be frightening to realize that there is a cliff RIGHT OVER THERE! But knowing it is there, and dealing with the fear, is hellaciously better than blindly going right over the edge with eyes closed and a confident, cocky smile on your face.

 

Especially if your kids are in the back seat.

 

Screaming.

Steve

NOVEMBER 2, 2011

 

The Power of Sleep

 

 

One of the most powerful resources for improving all areas of your life is as simple as   a good night's sleep.   Yes, you have much to do, and miles to go before you...well, you get the joke.

 

But in order to raise your level of accomplishment in any arena, you must increase your energy.  And there are  four things necessary to raise energy: stress, nutrition, focus, and rest. Too much or too little of any of these factors, and you will fall apart.

 

 

If you are in the midst of a critical problem, your every urge might be to work 24/7, surviving on 3-5 hours of sleep a night, but this is a terrible mistake, and will lead to an inevitable erosion of your mental and emotional capacities.

 

 

The cycle of creative breakthrough is well understood: define the problem, saturate yourself in the available information about the topic, push as hard as you can...and then back off.  Do something else altogether.  Take a nap, or get a good night's sleep, asking your unconscious to have the answer in the morning.   Chances are you'll wake up not only refreshed, but with a conceptual breakthrough that will "nibble away" at, or totally break through your problem.

 

 

This idea applies to problems in every arena: personal, physical, financial...whatever you can think of. To be specific, that cycle again:

 

1)  Define the problem.  

2)  Overload with every possible bit of information you can absorb

3) Do all the work you are capable of before "brain fry" sets in.

4) Take a COMPLETE break.  For some this means activities such as going to the zoo.  Going dancing.  Seeing a movie.   The choices are infinite, but at minimum you MUST must engage with some other activity deeply enough to totally forget about the problem.

 

For many people, a good shower is their "breakthrough" time.  Or a jog.  In "Think And Grow Rich" Napoleon Hill suggests making love with your spouse (there are a variety of reasons for this, some serious, some almost metaphysical, and some just...well, it's fun!).

 

But sleep probably tops them all.  In sleep, the conscious mind is forced to shut down.  Dreams boil up nightly, whether you remember them or not.  While theories vary as to their meaning, whether you believe they are messages form another plane, communication between the conscious and unconscious mind, or the memory "organizing" scraps of information and impression, it is clear that deep Delta dream sleep is necessary for health and mental efficiency.  It is also during this REM sleep that the body produces HGH, a necessary healing and growth factor.

 

It is tragic that so many people deny themselves the 7-9 hours of sleep a night that their minds and bodies need to function at peak efficiency.  Health, energy, healing, problem solving, muscular growth, integration of physical skills, creativity, emotional balance, and life itself all depend upon this critical nightly resource.

 

 

If you suffer from aches and pains, lack of energy or sex drive, difficulty losing weight, mental confusion, slowed reflexes (traffic accidents SOAR among the sleep deprived) and are getting less than seven hours of sleep a night, resolve this issue before looking for more subtle and complex solutions.

 

It might be as simple as a good night's sleep.

 

NOVEMBER 1, 2011

I recently came across a thread in which a lady of much intelligence and perception observed that many women are "simply trying to deal with the pain that has been directly inflicted upon them time and time again."

 

 

This is very true, but must NOT be mistaken for the statement "and therefore, men are worse than women." That is a separate statement, which would have to be defended quite separately from the simple, painful statement that many women are in pain.

 

My position is very simple: people are people, and men and women rip the hell out of each other. It is easy to find groups that will point the finger at "the other" whether you are talking about male/female, black/white, Christian/Muslim or whatever. The default position for human beings is to say that other people are responsible for your pain, rather than looking at the person in the mirror.

 

Or to put it another way: lots of people blame others for their issues. If you think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who does that, go right ahead and try: but if you want to have a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for their choices, actions and emotions that is exactly what YOU have to do.

 

I remember very clearly a woman who was actually a therapist (!) who told me that she knew men were shit, and had the experience to prove it--she had been married many times. I laughed in her face, and said that there was only one thing in common between all her relationships--she was there. I bore down and it turned out she was attracted to "bad boys" and asked her what happened when she met a "nice guy." After a lot of deflection and hawing, she confessed that she wasn't attracted to them. Her choices. Her results.

 

Imagine two rooms. In one are men who blame women for their failed relationships, and women who blame men for the same. In the other are men and women who take responsibility for their choices. PERIOD. You get to decide which room you enter. I suspect that everyone reading this would like to go to the second party. The cover charge is awakened adulthood, and refusal to blame others for your decisions. There is no cheating.

 

In life, we don't get what we want. We get what we are.

This painful truth emerges in the realm of the physical body, our finances, and in our relationships.

 

Of course, you may take the opposite position, that we DON'T have responsibility. That "the other" is worse, more immoral uncaring and evolved than Wonderful Us.

 

Let me know how that works for you, would ya?

 #######
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